All’s Fair in Love and War

Most of us have things in our lives we can always count on. Take one thing away, and it throws everything off-kilter.

No matter what happened in the day-to-day lives of the six kids that made up Kids Incorporated, the one thing they could always count on was Riley. He listened as impartially as he could to their crises and helped them whenever possible. As a result, he knew almost everything about their lives, yet his own life story was nothing but blank pages.

On Valentine’s Day, Riley sat bemused as the Kids fought that age-old battle of sentiment vs. sap. It was like watching a very violent tennis match. Just like always, once the lines were drawn, the boys were on one side and the girls on the other.

Coming down on the side of sap were, of course, the boys. Serving first was Ryan. “Can’t we let one year go by without the hearts and flowers nonsense?”

Lobbying it right back at him (and predictably so), Renee treated him to one of her trademark tsk’s. “It is not nonsense! It’s the one holiday of the year there’s no football on! Looks like someone’s just bitter because he doesn’t have a Valentine.”

“And look, I’m still alive! Quit making such a big production out of it!”

“Forget it, Renee, we can’t have anything without the boys ruining it.” said Stacy.

Her former accomplice, The Kid, scoffed at her remark. “If we ruin it so much, then why do you girls spend the whole day chasing after us?”

“I’m with Kid.” piped up Richie.

“Oh, what a surprise.” said Renee.

“You can have your own girly holidays and leave us out of it.” Richie continued.

Usually, at about this point, Connie would say something that sounded way too mature for her. “We’d like to, Richie, but then who would we buy the valentines for? If you ask me, the whole holiday has become way too commercial."

Both Renee and Stacy looked at her like she had just sprouted horns. Riley figured that now was as good a time as ever to intervene. “Speaking of commercials, your break’s just about up. Time to continue the show.”

“Thank you!” Ryan breathed a sigh of relief at escaping the battle unscathed. The boys quickly took the stage. “Ladies?” said Ryan expectantly.

“Oh, didn’t you hear? Today’s a holiday.” Renee informed him. “Our own, feminine holiday.”

“And nobody works on a holiday.” added Stacy. “Right, Richie?” Everyone looked over at Richie.

Ryan and The Kid sighed and dragged Richie over to one side. After a second or two, they returned. “Five minutes, just five lousy minutes, and we’ll leave you alone for the rest of the afternoon.” pleaded Ryan.

The girls conferred among themselves —and consented. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” they giggled as they walked by.

“Yeah, yeah, just get up there!” grumbled Ryan. He looked at Kid.

“There’s only 7 more hours ‘til the 15th.” Kid said. “Hang in there.”

“I’m hanging, all right. And the noose is getting tighter as we speak.” said Ryan.

True to their word, the boys literally vanished after the number. Besides Riley, there wasn’t a single male left in the P*lace. Once the gossip ran low, Renee came out from the storeroom to get some ice cream for the girls.

“Well, at the very least, there’s still one guy I’m happy to see.” she said. “I noticed you didn’t weigh in on the subject, Riley. Do you think we’ve gotten too crazy with Valentine’s Day?”

“I don’t know.” he replied. “Seems like the whole world does every year. Connie was right. The greeting card companies are making a killing off Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents’ Day. It’s too bad the P*lace doesn’t profit from it. Couples come in and they only order one milkshake so they can “share” it. Which reminds me, I’ve got all this extra left, so if you three want it, let me know.”

Renee was nonplussed. “Unbelievable.” she scoffed. “I give up! There isn’t a single romantic person left for miles! No offense, Riley, but you’re colder than the ice cream.” Then she had a thought. “Or are you bitter, too?”

“What?”

“You don’t have a girlfriend, do you?”

“Renee, I don’t think we should be having this conversation.”

“Oh, come on! You know all about all our relationships. Now it’s your turn. Do you have one, or not?”

“No, okay?”

“Aww! Poor Riley. Alone on today, of all days! You should get out more.”

“What is this, an intervention?” Riley shook his head. “I’m happy with my life the way it is. I’ve got my job, which you are keeping me from right now, so if you’re finished...”

But she wasn’t. “It’s okay, Riley. You don’t have to put on a brave face for me. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone else how you’re really feeling.”

Riley stared at her. “How I’m re-.” He was interrupted by a commotion right outside the P*lace. A very elegantly dressed woman walked in, looking dazed.

They hurried to help her to a chair. “Are you all right, Miss?” Riley asked.

“No, I’m a complete mess!” she cried. “I’m hosting a dinner party in less than an hour, and the caterer calls and says he can’t deliver my finger sandwiches, so I had to call everywhere for another caterer and that made me late for my hair appointment. En route to my appointment, we had a flat, and my thoughtless driver left me stranded on the side of the road while he fetched a mechanic. I’ve spent the last half hour wandering through this dull little hamlet looking for him.” She put her hand to her forehead dramatically. “I feel faint.”

“Maybe it’s that heavy fur coat you’re wearing.” said Riley. “Why don’t you stay here for a minute? Here, take off your coat. I’ll get you a glass of water. There’s no need to get upset.”

“Oh, how sweet of you to care.” said the woman, looking at Riley now instead of through him. She smiled. Riley noticed a glint of something new in her eyes.

So did Renee. “Oh, I’ll get the water!” she said suddenly. “That way you can stay right here and catch her — if she faints.” She took her sweet time going over to the counter, trying to eavesdrop without actually looking like she was eavesdropping.

“It’s so nice to find a true gentleman these days.” the woman was saying. “Oh, where are my manners? Forgive me. I’m Tabitha.”

“Well, it was an honor coming to your rescue, Tabitha. I’m Riley, and that’s Renee, who should be back with that water by now...oh, there she is! Thanks, Renee.” he glared at her. “Anyway, like I was saying, you’re more than welcome to wait here for your driver if you want. We don’t mind.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything...”

“Oh, you’re not! Trust me.” Riley was very quick to say. “You showed up at exactly the right time.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Renee smirked.

The phone rang, and before Renee could leave him stranded again, Riley quickly announced, “I’ll get that”, and left her to make the small talk.

Luckily, she’d been practicing her sales pitch while pouring the water. “He’s very dedicated to his work.” she told Tabitha.

“Really? What an admirable quality.” Tabitha drawled, her eyes never leaving Riley. “You so rarely find that these days.”

“Well, there’s a lot about Riley that’s admirable. I see that hasn’t escaped you.” added Renee.

“Class is naturally drawn to class.” Tabitha said simply. “Although I’m very surprised to find it here of all places.” She looked around as if she were in a Dumpster.

Renee followed her gaze, but as she didn’t see anything wrong with the P*lace, had to struggle to come up with as much disdain. “Well, that’s the beauty of it.” she said. “No one else thinks class belongs here, either.”

“Well, then it’s very fortunate that I happened along.” Tabitha grinned widely. “Perhaps this day hasn’t been a total loss after all. I believe I’ve found myself a new afternoon retreat.”

“Oh, that’s fantastic! You have no idea how long I - we’ve hoped that someone like you would pass through here.” Renee said quickly, silently thanking whoever was on the other end of the phone keeping Riley blessedly out of earshot.

“We?” Tabitha looked at her now, sizing her up.

It stung, but if she let it show, Tabitha would think Renee had very little class at all. She laughed it off. “Of course! Who else do you suppose Riley would confide in? It gets pretty lonely having sophistication and yet no one to share it with.”

Suddenly, the conversation seemed to veer away from Riley. She thought for sure she’d been found out, but Tabitha actually sounded sincere. “I knew there was something about you that I should keep my eye on.”

Renee beamed. “Well, like you said, class attracts class.” She managed to get a polite smile out of Tabitha just as Riley was coming back. Suddenly, he was the one gazing dreamily.

“I’m sorry I had to leave you like that.” he said gallantly. “Let me make it up to you, say, with dinner? It might be a while before a mechanic can get to your car, and I couldn’t leave a lady such as yourself all alone here.” Their eyes locked.

“Are you sure I’m not intruding? I’d hate to take up all your attention.” Tabitha cooed, knowing she already had it.

“Nah, Renee had somewhere she had to be, didn’t you, Renee?” Riley said without even looking at Renee.

For the moment, being ignored was acceptable, since she was about to kill two birds with one stone. “Right!  I should probably go there, then...right now. Don’t mind me, I’ll just leave the two of you here...alone…together. Have fun!” Slowly, Renee backed away, and then hurried to the storeroom.

Stacy and Connie were getting bored waiting for Renee to come back when she burst through the door.

“Well, where’s the ice cream?” said Stacy, and was shocked when her sister pulled her to her feet. “Whoa!”

“You won’t believe what I just saw!” Renee squealed.

That one spontaneous dinner led to two, two led to four, and soon, Tabitha was becoming a regular at the P*lace. One day, before rehearsal could begin, she arrived dripping with jewelry and draped herself over a barstool, causing Riley to build architecturally impossible things with food in order to impress her.

Kids Incorporated occupied two tables not far from the counter. They all saw Tabitha sample her sundae and come up with whipped cream on her nose, which Riley tenderly wiped away.

“Awww!” sighed the girls.

“Awww!” mocked the boys, which made the girls turn to them and glare.

“Well, if she knew how to eat in the first place, then that never would have happened!” said The Kid

“Well, don’t worry, it won’t happen again...” Renee told them.

“Good.” said Richie.

“...Because now, he’ll probably feed it to her.”

“Ugh!” Richie groaned. “Now I’ll never eat ice cream again!”

“Look, look, he’s doing it!” Stacy giggled.

“Awww!” the girls said again.

“They make such a cute couple.” said Connie.

“Don’t you three have anything better to do than to gawk at Riley?” Ryan asked them.

“No.” they said.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Well, here’s a thought. I hear people in bands like to do this little thing they call rehearsing. Maybe someday, we could try it.”

They paid no attention to him. “Oh, look, now she’s gonna feed him some!” gushed Renee, followed by another round of “aww’s”.

The Kid was losing his patience. “Enough with this romance stuff! Valentine’s Day is over!”

“Everyday is Valentine’s Day when you’re in love.” Connie said.

Richie’s eyes widened in fear. “Every day?” he gulped.

When Tabitha had daintily finished the last spoonful, Ryan got right in the girls’ line of vision. “There, the sundae’s gone! Now she’ll leave!”

The girls just looked at each other and laughed. “She won’t even notice it’s gone.” Renee said. “They haven’t seen anything but each other since the day they met.”

“Which sounds incredibly hokey.”

“It’s called love at first sight! You know, you’d think with all the books you’ve read, you would have come across it at least once.”

A light went on over Ryan’s head. “Yeah, and this book has you written all over it.” He pulled out her chair. “C’mon, ‘fess up.” They surrounded her.

“Well, someone had to do something!” Renee said indignantly. “The poor man deserves to see people his own height for a change."

“You don’t think Riley can get his own dates?” Kid asked her.

“He serves ice cream to children, Kid. How much of a social life do you think he has?” she answered. Kid rolled his eyes and dropped into a chair across from her. “Besides, I didn’t really do that much. Look at them! The building could catch on fire, and they’d never move.”

They were moving now. The Kids watched as Tabitha got up and sauntered out of the P*lace, not once glancing behind her because she knew Riley would follow.

Which he did. “Closing early, kids.” he said abruptly, and hastily took off after her.

“Well, I guess that cuts our afternoon short.” sighed Ryan.

“You don’t think they’ll do this every day, do you?” worried Stacy.

“No.” Renee shook her head. “Riley wouldn’t neglect the P*lace or us just for a girl.”

“Sure looks like he did to me.” said Richie.

“It’s only been a week! It’s still new to him. Besides, if he loses his job, he can’t exactly take her out to dinner, now, can he?”

“But what will we do when Riley’s at dinner?” asked Connie. “We can’t rehearse now.”

“You guys are so selfish! There isn’t a single downside to Riley being happy for once.”

All of a sudden, the lights went out.

“Okay, except that.”

Riley was in a bind. Tabitha wanted to spend the day in town, and he would have really liked to go with her, but he had to work. Plus, he figured the Kids would be miffed at him for cuffing their rehearsal short the other day. He broke the news as gently as possible to Tabitha, and she surprised him by actually understanding. In fact, she insisted on accompanying him to apologize to the Kids as well.  Actually, she said she’d, “set things straight with the children”, but he was sure she’d meant the same thing.

After leaving Tabitha pouting on her usual barstool, Riley noticed they were short a few ice cream cones and ran back to get them. When Richie and The Kid walked in and saw Tabitha sitting there, they attempted to sneak past her, but were unsuccessful.

“Oh, good afternoon, boys!” she trilled. “My, you’re...certainly here a lot.”

“Well, we’re the band.” The Kid informed her.

She chuckled – until she realized he wasn’t joking. “You’re serious?"

“Yep.  Got a show in about half an hour.”

“Better grab one of the good seats now.” Richie added. “This place fills up quick!”

“With...more...children?” All the color drained out of Tabitha’s heavily made up face.

“Oh, yeah,” said Kid, grinning, “any minute now, this place will be crawling with kids!” The boys snickered to themselves as they went over to a table to wait for everyone else.

Tabitha was slowly coming unhinged. “Crawling with children.” she muttered to herself. “Now, now, Tabitha, get a hold of yourself.  We mustn’t get alarmed.” She turned around and gasped when she saw Connie and Stacy standing there. “Oh! Young ladies, it is decidedly not polite to sneak up on someone and give them the fright of their life!”

“Sorry.” said Stacy. “I’m not taking charm school, just Science.” She held up a textbook.

“Oh, sweetie, don’t trouble yourself with that nonsense! You’re much too pretty to have to worry about supporting yourself.   Just land an educated young man.”

Stacy glared at her. “Thanks, but I think I’ll do my homework just in case.” She rolled her eyes and went to join the boys, leaving Connie just standing there, staring at Tabitha.

That really irritated Tabitha. “What?” she asked. Connie just kept staring. “Why are you looking at me, little girl? Stop that! Just...just go away! Shoo!”

Ryan had arrived. “Pesky little kids just keep popping out of the woodwork, don’t they?” Tabitha leapt up off of her stool. “Man, you’re jumpy!”

“Well, I’m constantly being barraged with you annoying little pests! And please refrain from referring to a lady such as myself as ‘man’. It shows you’ve had an improper upbringing.”

“Hey, you don’t know the first thing about my upbringing, or anything else for that matter! And if you can’t stand kids, then what are you doing here? Don’t tell me it’s for Riley, because if you really cared about him, you’d make an effort to get along with us, instead of just looking down your nose at everybody.”

“This nose happens to have cost me...” Tabitha started to say, but saw Renee out of the corner of her eye and knew she’d caught the tail end of Ryan’s diatribe. Quickly, she pulled out a lace handkerchief and started sobbing into it. 

It worked. “Ryan, what did you do?” scolded Renee. She put her books down on the counter and began consoling Tabitha.

“You’re not actually buying this, are you?” said Ryan. “C’mon! Her nose isn’t the only thing that’s fake.”

Just in case she wasn’t completely buying it, Tabitha sobbed even louder. Renee shot Ryan a look. “Oh...don’t listen to him, it looks completely natural.” she said, but now she took another quick look at Tabitha’s nose. “Where’s Riley?”

Riley actually chose that moment to come in carrying a box of ice cream cones with a chunk taken out of it, looking stressed. “Listen up, you guys. You’ve got to stop leaving crumbs of food around, ‘cause now we’ve got mice in here.”

“How horrid!” gasped Tabitha. Suddenly, she was tear-free.

“Don’t worry, Tabby, honey, they seem to be staying in the back.” Riley reassured her. Right after he said that, though, a little brown mouse scurried out from behind the counter and over Tabitha’s foot. She screamed and leapt up onto the counter.

“Looks like you spoke too soon, Riley.” said The Kid.

“Aww...help me catch him, will ya?” sighed Riley. Everyone squatted down and started hunting for the mouse.

Except Tabitha. “Oh, that disgusting, filthy creature crawled right over me!” she shuddered. “It’s as if he deliberately wanted to frighten me.”

“Well, maybe he saw all that ivory you’ve got on and thought you were an elephant.” Ryan joked.

All of a sudden, Connie stood up and shouted, “There he is!”, and pointed over by the doors.

“Oh, hurry! Kill it! Kill it!” Tabitha cried.

“It’s just a little mouse!” Renee stared at her. “He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him.”

“I highly doubt that.” scoffed Tabitha.

“I guess nobody told him it’s not polite to scare people.” Stacy said, smiling slyly at Tabitha.

“Got him!” yelled Richie, dropping to the floor. He lifted up his hands to reveal – the floor. “Don’t got him!” he said sheepishly.

“You guys, if you’re gonna chase him all over the P*lace, why don’t you just get a broom and sweep him out the door?” said Renee. “Never mind.” she sighed, getting it herself. When the mouse went by the doors, she opened one and pushed him out onto the pavement. “There. No more mouse.” She put the broom away, but couldn’t resist swatting Richie with it as she passed him.

“Are you okay, Tabitha?” Riley asked. “You’re not feeling faint again, are you?”

“Thankfully, no.” Tabitha said weakly. “Oh, I simply can’t abide filthy little things!” By the look she gave the Kids, it was pretty clear what her definition included.

These “filthy little things” wasted no time in gathering up their books and scooting off to the storeroom. “Well, I told her this place was crawling! That’s what she gets for not believing me!” laughed The Kid.

“Did you see the way she jumped when she saw that mouse?” said Richie.

“I guess old Tabby’s just a ‘fraidy cat.” Ryan said. Everyone laughed.

Except Renee. “Haven’t you had enough enjoyment at her expense?” she asked him.

Ryan scoffed. “Oh, please! That little performance was for Riley’s benefit and you know it. The mouse barely touched her.”

“Poor mouse.” added Stacy. “He’s the one we should feel sorry for.”

“Well, no wonder she doesn’t like you!” Renee said to all of them. “If you keep being rude to her like that she never will.”

“She’ll never like us because she hates kids, Renee.” said Connie. “She’ll make sure we never get to see Riley.” The others agreed.

“Oh, now you’re going way overboard. They’re not running away together or anything!” To prove her point, she called out to him. “Riley.” He didn’t even seem to hear her. She moved a little closer. “Riley.” He still didn’t notice her; he was thoroughly engrossed in conversation with Tabitha.

“Well, when you get through to your best buddy Riley, tell him we said hi.” Ryan smirked as he and the rest of the kids left to get ready for the show. Stacy was last to pass her, shaking her head.

“Don’t.” Renee said to her as she walked by.

“What?”

“Say what you’re thinking.”

That’s when Stacy remembered she had another piece of ammunition she could use. “Oh, Tabitha doesn’t believe I should be thinking at all.” she said innocently.

“Oh, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna quit school and go find a rich guy to marry, like she told me to.” added Stacy, knowing that would really infuriate Renee.

“I’m sure you misunderstood her.” Renee said fiercely, but she was still hurt by Riley acting as if she was invisible, and it showed in her body language. She nudged Tabitha a little forcefully out of the way as she retrieved her books from the counter. “Excuse me.” she said loudly.

“Oh, are these yours?” Tabitha started to sneer, but with Riley watching, she quickly changed her tune. “I’ve just remembered, darling, we discussed your poetic talent, and I’ve yet to see any...of your masterpieces, I mean.”

Her anger instantly forgotten, Renee blushed and said, “Well, I don’t usually let just anyone read them, but…all right.” She handed Tabitha her notebook.

Unless Tabitha was a speed reader, she couldn’t possibly have read them as fast as she was flipping the pages. “How charming,” she said, “although they seem considerably more...juvenile than I’d expected.”

“Oh, well, you’re at the beginning of the book.” Renee assured her as the notebook fell open to one particular page. “Those are older poems. Why, I couldn’t have been more than...five when I wrote that one."

When Stacy piped up and said, “You wrote that last week!”, Renee quickly shushed her.

“Oh, of course you were!” said Tabitha. “Obviously, the rhyme scheme is very crude, and I do hope you’ve mastered the iambic pentameter by now.”

“Why don’t you let me find you something a little more recent?” Renee offered, nearing tears.

“Don’t be silly! I’m not going to sit here and critique you! We’re leaving for the theatre.”

“We?” said Stacy. “Riley, you’re not gonna walk out right before showtime?”

“I’ve already made arrangements for the owner to have someone fill in for me.” said Riley. “It’s no big deal. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Before he could say anything more, Tabitha rushed him out.

“Don’t pout, dear!” she called back to Renee. “It’s very unbecoming.”

Renee had moved from anger to hurt to rage. She was literally trembling with fury as she gripped the counter to steady herself. “Are you okay?” Stacy asked her.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” snapped Renee. “You heard Riley. No big deal.” She marched off towards the storeroom. “Don’t just stand there gaping! C’mon! We’re late.” Stacy followed, but continued gaping at the four gouges in the edge of the countertop.

Hopefully, the audience hadn’t noticed during the number that everyone was preoccupied with watching Renee for signs of a breakdown. When she stormed off afterwards, they followed her, but cautiously. A thud from the storeroom caused them to pick up the pace.

“The nerve of that woman!” Renee fumed as she shoved books back in their places on the bookcase. “Don‘t pout, dear! It’s very unbecoming!” Now she was shoving chairs into place, nearly ramming them under the table. “Well, so is using feminine wiles to snow someone!”

“I thought Tabitha was Renee’s new best friend.” said The Kid.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t hear what I heard.” Stacy told him.

Renee was still taking out her frustrations on the furniture when the bookcase started wobbling. Luckily, Ryan caught it before it fell on Renee’s head. Not that she would have noticed.

“...iambic pentameter!” she was muttering. “Who died and made her Emily Dickinson?”

“You wanna take it easy? I can only hold up one thing at a time.” said Ryan, but she didn’t stop. He grubbed her by the shoulders as she stormed by.

“...and there is nothing wrong with my rhyme scheme!” she yelled at him.

“No! No, no! Of course not! It’s...it’s flawless.” he insisted. “What the heck are you talking about?”

“I hope you’re happy.” said Renee. “You like watching me make a fool out of myself, don’t you, Ryan? Too bad you missed it!”

“I haven’t seen her this mad since...” Kid thought aloud. “What was the last thing we did?” he asked Stacy.

Stacy counted off on her fingers. “Let’s see, princess, junky bicycle, poetry, crush...crush, that’s it!”

Renee happened to overhear them. “Oh, great!” she said. “Now you’ve resurrected the Gruesome Twosome! What did I ever do to you? Huh?”

“That was a pretty good rhyme!” Richie pointed out.

“Would you at least try to...” Ryan began to say as Renee found a tambourine and whipped it discus-style. It hit the wall and landed in a box. “...calm down?”

She stared at him. “I breathed deeply. I counted to ten. I visualized a quiet, little stream in the middle of a forest. Now, I want to hit someone.”

“Run, Richie!” said Connie, and Richie started backing towards the door. 

“Not you...yet.” said Renee.

“What exactly happened?” Ryan tried to refocus Renee’s attention.

“She called me...” Renee struggled to actually complete the sentence.

“What?”

“Silly.” finished Renee, as if it were a dirty word.

“Ooh! Not ‘silly’!” The Kid said derisively.

“It’s not funny, Kid! I don’t think I’ve been called silly since I was a child.” Renee said darkly.  “If Riley hadn’t been there, I’d have really let her have it.”

“We tried to tell you.” said Connie.

“So, how do we get rid of her?” asked The Kid.

“Without hurting Riley.” added Stacy. “He likes her.”

“And she knows it.” Renee scowled.

“Confronting her’s not gonna work. You saw that.” said Ryan. “If we say anything to her, she’ll run straight to Riley with it.”

“We could get another mouse!” Richie said after a beat. “Yeah! We’ll put it on the counter, and when she sees it, she’ll run for her life!” He seemed pretty pleased with himself at coming up with that one.

“Don’t you think she’ll come back?” Connie asked him.

“Oh. Yeah.” he realized. 

“Why don’t we just go to Riley ourselves?” Stacy wondered.

“First we’d have to get him away from Tabitha long enough.” said Ryan. “She’s been here every day this week.”

This time Richie actually did come up with something. “She didn’t follow him into the storeroom to get ice cream cones.” he recalled.

“Yeah!” added Stacy. “She’s dead set against working. We’d have a shot at getting him alone.”

“But who says he’s gonna listen to us?” Connie asked.

“We’ll help him out with something.” answered Ryan. “That way, he’ll owe us.”

“Now how do we distract Tabitha?” said The Kid. “If she figures out what we’re doing, she’ll snatch him right out from under us.”

“Oh, let me handle her!” smirked Renee.

“Are you going to be able to hold your tongue long enough?” Ryan asked her. “It’s gonna be hard enough telling Riley his girlfriend’s two-faced. We don’t need her making it look like we’re ganging up on her.”

“If she thinks I’m silly, then silly’s what she’ll get.” said Renee. “I know exactly what to say to her.”

Ryan wasn’t sure he liked the sly grin that crept over Renee’s face, but he continued on. “Great. So, we’ll get here early tomorrow, before Riley has a chance to get started on anything.” Everyone nodded their consent and began filing out of the storeroom.

“What if this doesn’t work?” asked Richie. “What then?”

“Then you can get a mouse.” Renee told him as she ushered him out ahead of her.

By the time Tabitha made her grand entrance which she’d perfectly timed to match Riley’s shift, the Kids were strategically positioned at every one of his normal work areas. Hiring a temp had worked in their favor; he’d been extremely incompetent, leaving Riley to undo all the damage or find himself suddenly unemployed.

Renee, for reasons known only to her, had arrived before anyone else. She still wore that unsettling Cheshire Cat grin, so the others left her alone. Once Tabitha planted herself at the bar, the Kids watched as Renee forcefully insinuated herself into the scene.

“Hel-lo, Tabitha!” she said brightly.

“Well, if it isn’t our little Mother Goose!” chuckled Tabitha. “I’m surprised to see you here this afternoon.”

“Good.” Renee smiled back, although the smile never reached her eyes.

Riley had been fielding calls from the owner of the P*lace and the manager of the temp agency. “The next time they hire someone to sub for me, I hope they check his resume first!” he said as he hung up. “He left everything open while he went to lunch! Why would he need to go somewhere else for lunch if he was temping here?” He shook his head disgustedly “You know what this means, don’t you? We’re gonna be overrun with all sorts of little woodland creatures: mice, rats...”

“Shrews?” chirped Renee helpfully.

Riley just stared at her. “Yeah...them too.”

“I abhor annoying little pests.” Tabitha said with a sidelong glance at Renee. “They’re oh, so difficult to dispose of.”

“Just sweep them away like I did last time.” said Renee. “I mean, you’ve got a broom, right?”

“I believe the little servant girl does.” answered Tabitha. “Goodness knows I’d never lay a hand on one. The germs alone would keep anyone with good sense as far away as possible.”

“Wait a minute, Tabitha.” Riley scolded. “Just because someone sweeps floors doesn’t mean that they’re not sensible. I’ve swept a few in my day.”

“Yeah, and besides, you can’t hold it against someone just because they don’t...how does that old saying go...have the sense God gave a goose?” added Renee, making the score 3-2, with her in the lead.

“Yeah, well, I wish that temp’d had good sense.” said Riley. “Now I’ve got to go clear everything out so I can check for mouse holes.”

That was their cue. “We can help you, Riley!” said Connie. The others moved into action.

“Aw, that’s sweet, Connie, but when I say everything, I mean everything. Those mice could be anywhere in the P*lace”

“That’s a pretty big job for just one guy.” Ryan pointed out. “C’mon, we don’t mind.” Everyone else echoed him.

“Thanks, you guys.” Riley said gratefully. “I think we should start in the back, especially around where the food’s stored.”

“I’d like to start at the food, too.” said Richie. Everyone laughed.

As they passed by the counter, Ryan caught Renee’s eye and gave her a look that said something like Do you remember what we talked about?

Renee replied by sticking out her tongue and holding it with one hand – while crossing the fingers of her other hand behind her back.

Tabitha was counting her blessings while she counted heads that went by her. When she came up one short, she realized Renee had not gone with the others. “Aren’t you going to join your little friends?” she asked icily.

“Oh, but it would be very rude to just leave you sitting here by yourself!” Renee said as sweetly as possible considering she felt like screaming. “Unless you’d like to come help as well?”

“Hardly.” Tabitha answered. “Did you, perchance, bring me any more delightful little sonnets?”

“No, I’m afraid not.” Renee said, noting the triumph in Tabitha’s eyes. “I thought about what you said the other day,” she paused to get Tabitha’s full attention so she could bait her with, “...and you were actually right. There’s really no future for me in poetry.”

Tabitha was actually surprised. “I’m glad you see that.” she began. “Perhaps now you’ll abandon this foolishness, and...”

“Which is why,” Renee continued, “after some thought, I’ve decided to shift my focus to a career in journalism.” She happily studied the effect her words had.

Tabitha had deflated at the word ‘career’. “Oh.” she said softly. “Are you…sure about that, darling?”

“Why not?” Renee said, reaching into her pocket. “It’ll give me the perfect opportunity to use these.” She put on her glasses and Tabitha literally shrunk back. “And yes, before you say anything, I am aware of that old adage, but I won’t be waiting around for guys to make passes at me, anyway, since I’ll be out earning my own living.”

Tabitha began choking. “Oh, don’t worry, I won’t be alone my entire life!” Renee reassured her. She waited until Tabitha had composed herself to add, “Maybe I’ll get a dog!” She was thoroughly enjoying herself.

Tabitha finally realized this. “You planned this little stunt to perturb me, didn’t you?” she said. “Don’t think I haven’t got you pegged, sweetie. I’ve got a pretty good idea who you really wanted me here for, and it certainly isn’t Riley. He’s the most uncultured man I’ve ever met!”

“Well, then, why are you still seeing him?” asked Renee, hating the relief in Tabitha’s face once she’d removed her glasses and put them away.

“You said it yourself. He’s very dedicated to working.” Tabitha explained. “He’ll probably be working for the rest of his natural life, not like my louse of an ex-husband. The poor fool will support me for the rest of my natural life!”

Renee’s blood was boiling, but she held it in long enough to say, “So...you don’t love him at all?”

Tabitha cracked up laughing. “Love him!” she chortled. “Oh, to be young and naïve and have such a schoolgirl view of the world!” For the first time, she spoke truthfully. “I love my life, darling. I love furs and jewelry and not having to lift a finger to acquire them. I could never love your Riley for the simple fact that he’s...well, simple.”

Just when Renee was about to burst, an audible click! punctured the tension in the room. “What was that noise?” said Tabitha, suddenly looking nervous.

Renee removed several napkins from their dispenser to reveal a handheld tape recorder. “And no investigative reporter worth her salt would be caught dead without one of these.” she smirked, dangling it in front of Tabitha.

“You’ve just recorded our entire conversation!” Tabitha said, aghast.

“Oops!” giggled Renee coyly. “Silly me!”

Instantly, Tabitha transformed into a snarling animal. “Give me that!” she demanded, swiping at the tape recorder.

“Don’t yell, Tabby dear!” Renee scolded playfully. “It’s very unbecoming.” She managed to stay just out of Tabitha’s reach as she played back her evidence.

Meanwhile, the Kids’ crusade to sway Riley wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. He came storming out of the storeroom with them hot on his heels. “I’m not listening to another word!” he said.

“But Riley, you don’t understand!” Kid countered. “You didn’t hear her!”

“She’s trying to take you from us!” Connie was saying.

“Can’t you tell it’s an act?” added Ryan.

“She hates us! Doesn’t that matter to you?” said Stacy.

“She’s a fake! You gotta dump her!” Richie said.

“I said, not another-” Riley began, but then he noticed the fight at the bar. “What’s going on?”

“Riley, darling!” Tabitha moaned. “I’ve been trying so hard to adore these children as much as I adore you, but they make it so hard!” She brandished her handkerchief again.

“Oh, quit with the crocodile tears! Nobody’s buying it anymore!” growled Renee.

“Renee!” Riley scolded, “Now, I don’t know what went on out here, but I think you owe Tabitha an apology.”

Renee nearly choked. “Really?” she laughed. “Well, let’s see what you think after you hear this!” And she played the tape.

“...He‘s the most uncultured man I’ve ever met!” Tabitha’s scathing voice came loud and clear.“...The poor fool will support me for the rest of my natural life!” Finally, Renee fast-forwarded to the worst comment.

“So...you don‘t love him at all?”

“Love him!...I could never love your Riley for the simple fact that he‘s ... well, simple.”

Everyone was silent. Riley took a moment to process what he’d heard. “You set her up?” he asked Renee.

“Uh huh.” Renee answered.

Riley just shook his head. Then he surprised everyone by saying, “I’m really disappointed in you.” Renee’s jaw dropped. “This isn’t like you at all! What’s come over you lately?”

“Oh, I think it’s quite obvious, really.” Tabitha chuckled haughtily. “We don’t like sharing, do we, dear? Especially when it comes to people who indulge you. You spoiled little prima donna.”

“Hey, now, that’s uncalled for.” Riley said, but Tabitha ignored him.

“I may have been thinking of myself, but I wasn’t the only one, was I?” she continued. Renee hung her head. “Had enough of playing dress-up in Mummy’s clothes, have we? What were you hoping, that I’d adopt you? Think again, little girl. You’re out of your league."

Renee drew in her breath sharply. Everyone immediately tensed, waiting for the inevitable hissy fit. It never came. Head high, she calmly walked over to the counter, picked up a glass of soda left there, turned it around in her hand a few times, examined the beads of condensation on her fingertips – and then chucked it in Tabitha’s face.

Stunned, Tabitha looked to Riley for support. “Napkin?” he said, chuckling.

“Well!” said Tabitha haughtily, although it was hard to maintain your dignity with soda dripping off your perfectly sculpted nose. “I believe I’ve had enough slumming for several lifetimes. Enjoy your ridiculous little vaudeville act, children. Some of us have much greater things to be concerned with.” She turned abruptly, and one of her heels snapped off. While the Kids snickered, she continued to hobble out of the P*lace.

They cheered at first, but then, feeling a little guilty, the Kids looked to Riley wondering if he would scold them or praise them. But Riley just picked up a mop and began cleaning up the spilled soda.

It wasn’t until later that Renee cautiously approached him while the others were getting dressed for the show. “Riley?” she said softly.

Riley glanced up at her. “You still got 10 minutes.” was all he said, and went back to drying the silverware.

“I know, thank you. Umm... “At a loss for words, she started handing him spoons. “Look, I know you’re probably really mad at me, and I can’t blame you, but...How was I supposed to know she just wanted a slave? I really did think she liked you! And you liked her too, didn’t you? Even without me interfering?”

“Plate.” said Riley.

“Huh?” said Renee.

“Pass me that plate.” Riley elaborated.

Meekly, she did. “Well, at least we’re still talking!” she joked, trying to laugh. No reaction from Riley. She sighed instead. Out of ideas, she appealed to his heart. “If it’s any consolation,”she said, “we love you.”

Riley actually looked up then. “Even though I have no class?” he retorted.

“Says who? That piranha in pumps? Riley, if that’s class, neither one of us needs it.” Riley raised an eyebrow and looked at her - with a look Renee herself had patented.

“Yeah, took me long enough, didn’t it?” Renee smiled ruefully. She sighed. “Okay, Riley, you were right. No more Little Miss Lonelyhearts for me. I shouldn’t have meddled.”

Click!

Riley smirked. “Did you get it?” He called over his shoulder. Confusion on Renee’s face slowly gave way to recognition, and her eyes narrowed.

“We got it.” The boys came out from around the corner, with The Kid holding the tape recorder. Once Renee saw him, he tossed it to Riley. “Now you’ve got it!” he said, and ran.

“Riley, you sneak!” yelled Renee, and Riley tossed the tape recorder to Ryan and then ran. “Don’t make me chase you!...Ooh, I could just... No! Ryan, you get back here, too!...That’d better not still be taping!...I’m gonna catch one of you, and when I do, so help me, I’ll...Ugh, men!”

The End